Humility... It's a lot harder than I've thought in the past. Especially in a world of ladder-climbers and one-uppers, it is not easy to resist getting caught up in that competition (and especially for someone who, whether she will admit it or not, likes to compete).
I owe Christ my life. It's as simple as that, but I make it so much more complicated. Whether it's my free time, study time, good days, or hard days, I owe it all to the service of my Lord. That's not an easy thing to keep in mind. The crowds around me live for #1, and therefore, so do I. It's so much more natural. I've been doing it all my life. I like orchestrating my life around me and around what's going to get me where I want to go. But I've already got all that I need and more than I could ever want if I would just turn fully toward Christ. There are other things I desire, but nothing that could compare. So why am I trying to get anywhere else? in life? in a career? If it isn't for other people, if it isn't for grace, if it isn't for the love of my God, then there is no point.
Why is it so hard to just be humble and obey? Humility says that it doesn't matter where I end up on the ladder as long as I helped someone get higher. Humility says that my time and grades and success isn't as important as yours. And humility is only possible if you have a genuine understanding of who you are compared to God and compared to others. Humility happens when you are forced to wear a sign on your forehead that says, "I NEEDED grace because I am only a failure without it." Humility happens when you remember where you came from and where grace has brought you. Humility happens when your identity is found in Christ, where you will always be the saved not the Savior.
Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there. In Jesus' name, Amen.
30 October 2011
26 October 2011
Entry Twenty-Two
Since it's been FORVER since I've written anything, here's the quick catch up:
- Two weeks ago we finished our first class (no more histology!!!) and picked up to more classes (neuroscience and embryology)
- We had a highly successful first cook out at the house with bran new fire pit
- Jenna and I went to WKU's homecoming (had a good time besides the constant comparisons she kept making between WKU and Florida)
- And the biggest news of all: I interviewed for and was accepted into a 2nd year elective rotation in Honduras!!!
Allow me to explain what that means: as soon as classes end in May, I'll be off to Honduras again for a month to rotate in a hospital in El Progreso (not sure what specialty yet) where I'll be learning some basic medical procedures and practicing medical Spanish. Here's the kicker: I'm supposed to be fluent in Spanish before I go... That means a lot more self-discipline to study not only for classes but Spanish as well. I will be going with 3 other students from my class, 2 of whom I know and respect a lot, 1 who I don't really know.
Even though we've finished 9 weeks of school so far, I still have a hard time convincing myself I'm going to actually be a doctor at the end of all this. We learned about central lines last week. The first procedural thing we've really learned about yet, and I couldn't help but think to myself, "Really? really, Ashley? You think you are going to be able to stick a needle in someones neck and set one of these up?" Even though we're in medical school, really doctoring still seems really far away. My hope is that this rotation next summer will start to bridge that gap for me.
Final random thought: why did God make the nervous system so darn complicated? Obviously it is a beautifully complex system and according to Dr. Ho, it's to make life difficult for medical students. All I want to know is why God couldn't have chosen to make this particular system beautiful in a simple way?!
- Two weeks ago we finished our first class (no more histology!!!) and picked up to more classes (neuroscience and embryology)
- We had a highly successful first cook out at the house with bran new fire pit
- Jenna and I went to WKU's homecoming (had a good time besides the constant comparisons she kept making between WKU and Florida)
- And the biggest news of all: I interviewed for and was accepted into a 2nd year elective rotation in Honduras!!!
Allow me to explain what that means: as soon as classes end in May, I'll be off to Honduras again for a month to rotate in a hospital in El Progreso (not sure what specialty yet) where I'll be learning some basic medical procedures and practicing medical Spanish. Here's the kicker: I'm supposed to be fluent in Spanish before I go... That means a lot more self-discipline to study not only for classes but Spanish as well. I will be going with 3 other students from my class, 2 of whom I know and respect a lot, 1 who I don't really know.
Even though we've finished 9 weeks of school so far, I still have a hard time convincing myself I'm going to actually be a doctor at the end of all this. We learned about central lines last week. The first procedural thing we've really learned about yet, and I couldn't help but think to myself, "Really? really, Ashley? You think you are going to be able to stick a needle in someones neck and set one of these up?" Even though we're in medical school, really doctoring still seems really far away. My hope is that this rotation next summer will start to bridge that gap for me.
Final random thought: why did God make the nervous system so darn complicated? Obviously it is a beautifully complex system and according to Dr. Ho, it's to make life difficult for medical students. All I want to know is why God couldn't have chosen to make this particular system beautiful in a simple way?!
08 October 2011
Entry Twenty One
Saturday was fun, but a little bitter sweet because I spent it saying goodbye to my precious sister in Christ, Emily before she left for Kenya for two years on mission.
Later that night I was "observing" for a few hours in the U of L EPS (emergency psychiatry services), which could've been really interesting, but we were actually only observing football on the break room TV for the first 2 hours because there were no patients. The residents decided that since it was the 1st of the month, most of the druggies they usually see come through probably got their checks and were out buying and using. Sad but possibly true...
The weekend wrapped up with the first annual college cup (aka Harry Potter/field day for med school). Our class itself is divided into 6 colleges that compete against each other in everything from tug o' war to cooking. Gross college (mine!) only came in third over all (with 285 pts, behind the 1st and 2nd place colleges with 290, SO CLOSE!) But the important thing is that we dominated the ulitmate frisbee field :-D
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| Brittny, Me, Jenna (with the Gator Glasses), and Tess |
So that was LAST weekend. This weekend its all business with a Histology final and our second Gross Anatomy test coming up next week. Two things to get excited about once those two are behind us:
(1) no more Histology! and (2) no more pelvis and perineum! (look it up if you don't know).
God has been so good to have given me so many fun things and people in my med school life so far. I can't help but wish I was better at turning around and blessing others just as well. By the grace of God, maybe I'll learn to. But for now I just want to remember that it isn't about the blessings themselves, it's about the God who gives them.
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