Entry Thirty-four

Here's the thing about blogging: if you don't keep up, there's no catching up.  I don't like it 'cause I know how much I've had to say the past three months, but the opportunity to say it all as passed.  Anyhow, these are the important highlights:

We started Block 2 and got Spring Break in the middle of it.
I went to Tahoe with a couple of friends for a week of skiing and watched my Toppers make Hilltopper Nation proud in the NCAA tourney.
Got back from Tahoe and finished Block 2 with a much longer block test than 1.
Shadowed some in Labor and Delivery and the ER and got to remind myself why I'm in medical school.
Started the home stretch of Block 3 while my parents worked on relocating to Memphis (dad took a job at St. Jude's Children's Hospital).
Finished Block 3 with a bang and now am all but officially a second year medical student!

It feels good to be one year down.  There's always some mixed feelings when time flies by so quickly though, mostly because I feel like there is so much more I still wanted to do before it was over.  However, we had a blast and I couldn't have asked for better classmates and friends to go through it with.  Here are just some of them at our post-year-one grill out:

Now that we're done, there is so much I want to do with this summer it's ridiculous.  Some of it will get done, some of it won't.  But I'm hoping that God has more important things in mind than my vain plans and that by the end of it, I'll be ready to dive head first into year two.

Entry Thirty-Three

We take our first block exam tomorrow.  That's one big test covering 3 subjects and 4 weeks of material from each class and it's how we're going to be tested from now on.  In big, big chunks.  The trick is remembering that life is still going on elsewhere and there are more important things in life even when I test is looming over your head.  Having an Ash Wednesday service yesterday morning and prayer time with some wonderful friends Tues night helped.  But no matter what I do I have a huge test tomorrow and I'm just gonna be anxious about it.  That's how it is.

But what do I do with anxiety?  Thankfulness.  God says to be thankful.  Do not be anxious.  Be thankful.  I'm uncomfortable, nervous, sweating, afraid... but God says be thankful.

It has been a theme of learning in my life that things I tend to think are feelings are actually choices.  Thankfulness I don't think is any different.  So I'm going to be thankful.

Holy Father, I am thankful for your salvation.  This week you have been gently reminding me that I am mortal, like dust, and soon enough I will be returning to dust.  But with this knowledge comes the truth that you have saved me from the death that will take me.  I will still die, but death has lost its sting and its victory.  I am so thankful for the lessons that you teach me and the truth that you pour into my life.  I am so thankful for you being God, good and true and faithful.  I am thankful not only for the promises that you make me, but more so for the fact that your character allows me to believe the promises that you make.  I am thankful, Lord, for the people you have put in my life and for the opportunities that you've given me.  I am thankful this morning for my coffee, for your Word, for good music, for warmer weather, and for the breath you put in my lungs.  You are so good to me and I will rejoice because you are my Light and Salvation and no matter how I feel, you remain true.  Your salvation remains true.  Thank you, Father.

Philippians 4

Entry Thirty-Two

Phrases that I've heard all my life don't sound the way the should to me often times.  They don't have the same meaning or conjure up the thoughts that they would had I never heard them before.  For example...

I have been attending (and intend to become a member of) Sojourn Community Church here in Louisville.  One of the many things that I love about this church is that they take communion every week.  And every week when I rip off a piece of bread and dip it in the wine, two phrases are repeated to me, "the body of Christ broken for you" and "the blood of Christ shed for you."  Hearing those phrases every week as I take communion, I have been hearing only "here is God's gift to you."  Which is true and isn't a bad way of understanding the phrases.  But what I fail to do, is recognize the cost, the weight, the enormity of that gift.

"Here is God's gift to you" sounds sapless and trite in my ears.  It's true, but if that's all I hear when someone tells me, "this is the body of Christ broken for you" then something is wrong with my understanding.  But week after week at church, that's all I've heard.  Until yesterday.

Yesterday was different.  Yesterday reminded me of a challenge a pastor gave me one time, "approach the communion table as Mary Magdalene, as she would."  Yesterday the phrase, "the body of Christ broken for you" sounded more like an accusation then anything else.  Not in a condemning sort of way, but in a "take this gift and eat it, but realize the suffering that Christ endured to buy this for you" sort of way.  Feel the weight of it.  Taste the richness of the gift and realize the richness of it is found in the price that was paid and had to be paid in order to bring you here to receive it.

As I stood at the bread and wine and heard "the body of Christ broken for you" and "the blood of Christ shed for you" I wanted to scream... Yes! It was me!  It was I that sinned and I that challenged God himself.  It was I that offended the Holy One and brought judgement of the severest kind.  I am guilty.  It was me!  The body of Christ was broken for me, because of me, because of what I have done.  And this will only make sense to believers, but what I felt was a great sense of freedom.

Knowing that my sin was the reason Christ died says two things: one, that I am guilty as hell and two, that I have a God that will go to whatever length to save me.  Why would that understanding not bring freedom?  One: I'm guilty!  I know it!  I can confess it!  I can scream it at the top of my lungs without shame.  I am guilty!  I don't have to hide it or pretend I didn't do it, or cower in the corners afraid of rejection.  And two: God sees it, and he fixed it at great personal sacrifice.  My God will do whatever it takes to save me from my own sin!  His arm is not too short to save and his resolve not too weak to see his rescue through to the end!

I approach the communion table so many times, just thinking in my mind that I am stepping into the new covenant once again without really thinking about what that new covenant was purchased with... the body and blood of Christ, the suffering of Christ.

Entry Thirty-One

Oh, the dreaded Valentine's Day post... It seems like one of those days that you either love or you hate.  I happened to be one of those weird people who thinks it all depends...

It's great if you have one roommate that will wake up early, decorate the table with pink candy and make you heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast.

It's great if you have another roommate who will go with you to see Episode I in 3D.

It's great if you have so many good friends and loving family that even if you feel lonely at times without a significant other, it really doesn't matter so much.

And it's especially great if through it all you know that you have a loving Savior who is gently pursuing your heart... even when I wake up tomorrow and it's not Valentine's Day anymore.

I hurt for those who find themselves not having these things.  I hurt for those who mostly don't have the last one.

Oh, Father, you have blessed me so abundantly.  Give me the grace and humility to be able to pass on every bit of it.  To use the blessings you've given me to bless others.  Please, Lord.  Help me do that.

Entry Thirty

I've been trying to read some before going to sleep at night and cutting back on the number of TV shows I end up watching.  The past two weeks my pick as been a collected works of Dietrich Bonhoeffer entitled Meditating on the Word.  In some of it, his language loses me, being too lofty and not concrete enough with his ideas.  But other times his language speaks the truth loud and clear:

"Because of the beginning God has made with us, our life with God is a way which will proceed in his law.  Does that mean bondage for us under the law?  No, it means freedom from the killing law of ceaseless beginnings.  To wait from one day to the next for the new beginning, to think that one has found it countless times only to lose it again by evening - that amounts to total destruction of faith in the God who has established the beginning in his forgiving and renewing Word, in Jesus Christ, that is, in my baptism, my rebirth, my conversion.
God has once and for all converted me to himself; it is not that I have once and for all converted myself to God.  God has made the beginning; that is the happy certainty of faith."


Later he goes on to communicate the same idea in this way:

"If we ask how we should begin life with God, the Scripture answers that God has long since begun life with us.  If we ask what we can do for God, we hear what God has done for us.  If we ask how we can live without sin before God, the forgiveness of all sins in Jesus Christ is announced to us.  If we direct our glance forward to our future deeds, God's Word calls us back to the past and says: Remember!"


As I was reading, I was reminded of the time in college where I struggled with reformed theology and Calvinism.  Parts of it I wanted to believe, parts of it I didn't, and parts of it I just couldn't believe.  It was through that time that God grew in my heart a better faith.  My faith before had been in me (which obviously meant it was disappointed a lot).  It was in my ability to keep choosing God, to keep turning to God after the falls, to keep pressing toward the right things.  It was ceaseless, vain striving for new beginning.

But God taught me the power of the truth Bonhoeffer discusses above.  The beginning belongs to God and since he began it, it cannot be rewritten.  By anything.  No number of mistakes.  No amount of weakness.  Nothing I can do.

I got on board with reformed theology in college, but the greater point was not the finer details of my beliefs about pre-destination.  The greater point was that I trusted God for my salvation.  Not just saying it, but doing it without the self-centered part that said, "God saved me and continues to save me but only as long as I continue to choose him."  God chose ME, not the other way around.  And that's what saves me.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, FOR HE WHO PROMISED IS FAITHFUL."  Hebrews 10:23 (emphasis mine)

Side Note

Oh, he wants our hearts!  So many times I forget... as in most of the time.  I live as though all God is after is my actions, my allegiance, my time, my words, my money... None of it compares to the way he desires my HEART.

Entry Twenty-Nine

So I got bored studying today and took a specialty-personality compatibility test.  The results are pretty clear...

If I don't know anything else, I do know that I want options and I don't want to be doing the same things all the time.  Internal medicine would definitely allow for that.  Vamos a ver.

Entry Twenty-Eight

When I lose the freedom to dictate my own schedule during the week, I'm not going to like it.  The biggest change that I've made since last semester is early to bed, early to rise.  On an ideal day I go to bed by 9 and get up at 5 to get in some studying before classes or whatever begins.  Not everyday is that ideal but when they are, it's amazing how much more rested I am.

My summer plans this week got a little bit jostled with the news that we may not be able to go to Honduras for our Hospital rotations if the country doesn't stabilize some since it's recent rise in violence and drug-related crime.  Our trip sponsor, Dr. Carter, says its 50/50 at this point, but we'll still prepare as if we're going which means a few things: 1) I'm still getting to study medical Spanish, which I love 2) I can't make other plans for the summer until a decision is made about going or not and 3) I will be shadowing a orthopedic surgery resident on his trauma rotation Thursday morning to learn sterile fields.  I'm more than a little nervous about that last one.

Rock climbing = a wonderful way to de-stress.  We've been going weekly this semester and it's been a fantastic diversion.  As has running.  A group of us are training for a half marathon in April, and so far I've worked up to 6.5 miles!  And it's not even February yet :-)  It'll be my second mini, but the first where I'm attempting to run the whole thing.  We're thinking about doing a Tough Mudder competition in October if the mini goes well.  It's the little things in med school you have to look forward to 'cause sometimes it's just really hard to keep yourself sane.  For example, sitting in a library by yourself on a Sunday afternoon with a quiz looming the next morning, but no motivation since you feel like the only one in the world having to be productive.

I really hate Sunday afternoon studying.  There's just something about it.  But it will be worth it one day when I'm getting to actually care for patients... for now that's just a scary, far off thought, and I need to know these amino acids before I can get there.

Entry Twenty-Seven

It's been exactly one month and one day since my last post... if you notice the slow progressive increase in time between posts, you can make a pretty good guess as to how busy I've been.

Christmas break was a blur, but I could not have asked for a more restful two weeks.  I did next to nothing productive, which would've driven me crazy if it had been any longer, but thankfully, it was the perfect two-week break.

Life update: The biggest news of the past month is probably that my dad has a job!  He was hired at St. Jude's Childrens' Hospital (or technically their fundraising company, ALSAC).  We are very excited for him, but it does mean that by next month my parents will pretty much be Memphis-dwellers.  Initially sad for me to take in, but trusting that God is going to be doing big things with their lives and new found opportunities.

Two weeks into this semester now and I'm already about to take my SECOND exam.  Yes, that's right.  Med school is every bit as crazy as they say.  If you aren't convinced, let me tell you what we have next week: our first FINAL!  Three weeks of straight neuro-anatomy to start us off, a test every week, and the final after the 3rd.  That's been our schedule.  Yep.

BUT I got to talk to Emily Brewster, my Honduras companion, (who is still down there for the remainder of this year) and see via Skype the faces of all the beautiful girls and babies I got to know while I was there and I am reminded that none of these efforts are for me anyway :-)

So... as I continue to have fun stories and things to say, I'm going to try to be better about updating, but since I'm a med student, I'm not making any promises!