Humility... It's a lot harder than I've thought in the past. Especially in a world of ladder-climbers and one-uppers, it is not easy to resist getting caught up in that competition (and especially for someone who, whether she will admit it or not, likes to compete).
I owe Christ my life. It's as simple as that, but I make it so much more complicated. Whether it's my free time, study time, good days, or hard days, I owe it all to the service of my Lord. That's not an easy thing to keep in mind. The crowds around me live for #1, and therefore, so do I. It's so much more natural. I've been doing it all my life. I like orchestrating my life around me and around what's going to get me where I want to go. But I've already got all that I need and more than I could ever want if I would just turn fully toward Christ. There are other things I desire, but nothing that could compare. So why am I trying to get anywhere else? in life? in a career? If it isn't for other people, if it isn't for grace, if it isn't for the love of my God, then there is no point.
Why is it so hard to just be humble and obey? Humility says that it doesn't matter where I end up on the ladder as long as I helped someone get higher. Humility says that my time and grades and success isn't as important as yours. And humility is only possible if you have a genuine understanding of who you are compared to God and compared to others. Humility happens when you are forced to wear a sign on your forehead that says, "I NEEDED grace because I am only a failure without it." Humility happens when you remember where you came from and where grace has brought you. Humility happens when your identity is found in Christ, where you will always be the saved not the Savior.
Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Showing posts with label Thoughtful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughtful. Show all posts
30 October 2011
28 September 2011
Entry Twenty
"Of this I am convinced, You my God are greater still." (The Greatness of Our God - Hillsong)
I want to be convinced of that. If I let myself sit a contemplate the glorious things he is and has done its not hard. But I need those moments to sit and contemplate.
And how unspeakably incredible is it that we have a God that is greater still? Greater than what I think of when the word "God" comes up. Greater than I've ever thought possible. Greater than my heart and my sin. Greater still than anything we know.
He has saved me from myself and from the pit of this world. Like one pastor put it recently (did I mention this in a previous post?) he swam to the bottom of the ocean to pull out this dying, decaying corpse and breathe new life into it. He sacrificed his Son he cared about us so much. He is infinitely holy and higher than all the great men that have ever walked the earth. He's healed, saved, fixed, judged, disciplined, chosen, rebuked, instructed, raised up, conquered, and loved.
And he is greater still.
I want to be convinced of that. If I let myself sit a contemplate the glorious things he is and has done its not hard. But I need those moments to sit and contemplate.
And how unspeakably incredible is it that we have a God that is greater still? Greater than what I think of when the word "God" comes up. Greater than I've ever thought possible. Greater than my heart and my sin. Greater still than anything we know.
He has saved me from myself and from the pit of this world. Like one pastor put it recently (did I mention this in a previous post?) he swam to the bottom of the ocean to pull out this dying, decaying corpse and breathe new life into it. He sacrificed his Son he cared about us so much. He is infinitely holy and higher than all the great men that have ever walked the earth. He's healed, saved, fixed, judged, disciplined, chosen, rebuked, instructed, raised up, conquered, and loved.
And he is greater still.
17 September 2011
Entry Sixteen
Am I doing this for me or for him?
I hate testing motivations. Not only is it not fun because sometimes you just don't want to face the answer, but it can be very hard to tease through the layers to find the true driving factor. But boy does it change the way we live when we really start to examine our motivations.
The only John Piper sermons I have ever listened to focused heavily on this topic: do you worship a God-centered God or a you-centered God? It makes all the difference in the world if you are truly living this out for God, for the glory of God, for the fame of God, for God himself. Or if you are living it out for a God who is all about you, saving you, helping you, glorifying you.
So back to the original question, am I doing this for me or for him? Am I worshiping a God-centered God or a me-centered God?
I think it is very easy to live my life for me without thinking twice about it. All my decisions are selfish simply because I am the only one I consider when making them and generally I'm the only one directly and obviously affected, so it makes sense. It really takes a mental transformation to go from that to "consider others before yourself." Very not natural. I generally live my life for me. And I guess some people make the same mistake living life for a husband or children. But it's just me. So I make my decisions and I live my life for what I know: my needs, desires, aspirations, etc.
But that's boring. Like running on a hamster wheel. Good enough for hamsters, but not me.
So am I doing this for me? Most of the time. But he has justified me and I live by grace, which means I get to live for him despite my sinful tendency to live for me. Isn't it lovely?
I hate testing motivations. Not only is it not fun because sometimes you just don't want to face the answer, but it can be very hard to tease through the layers to find the true driving factor. But boy does it change the way we live when we really start to examine our motivations.
The only John Piper sermons I have ever listened to focused heavily on this topic: do you worship a God-centered God or a you-centered God? It makes all the difference in the world if you are truly living this out for God, for the glory of God, for the fame of God, for God himself. Or if you are living it out for a God who is all about you, saving you, helping you, glorifying you.
So back to the original question, am I doing this for me or for him? Am I worshiping a God-centered God or a me-centered God?
I think it is very easy to live my life for me without thinking twice about it. All my decisions are selfish simply because I am the only one I consider when making them and generally I'm the only one directly and obviously affected, so it makes sense. It really takes a mental transformation to go from that to "consider others before yourself." Very not natural. I generally live my life for me. And I guess some people make the same mistake living life for a husband or children. But it's just me. So I make my decisions and I live my life for what I know: my needs, desires, aspirations, etc.
But that's boring. Like running on a hamster wheel. Good enough for hamsters, but not me.
So am I doing this for me? Most of the time. But he has justified me and I live by grace, which means I get to live for him despite my sinful tendency to live for me. Isn't it lovely?
07 September 2011
Entry Thirteen
(My entry titles are going to get very embarrassing if I can't spell numbers correctly :-)
NEWS FLASH: I do not have to be good at everything.
Actually, not so much a news flash but a lesson that's been grilled into my head over and over this past year. One of the things I absolutely had to become okay with in Honduras (see En Vasos de Barro) was not being excellent at things the first time I tried them (like teaching or speaking Spanish). It's silly I know, but I have been pretty used to being pretty "capable" in general. Unfortunately, being used to that feeling makes situations where I have no idea what I'm doing very uncomfortable. God truly humbled my heart in Honduras on this issue, but I still have trouble not stressing out when I have to do something that I don't think I can do perfectly (or at least really well). I just have to keep reminding myself: that's why you are here, to learn. And not to learn things you already know, to learn things you don't know and can't do yet. That is so much of what are Christian life is supposed to be like too. Constantly relying on God's ability when we get thrown into situations we can't handle, or get handed people we don't know how to help. It's just all about the diving part. Time to put on the "sink or swim" mentality. But let's be real, God has already promised not to let us sink. But we're still responsible for jumping.
NEWS FLASH: I do not have to be good at everything.
Actually, not so much a news flash but a lesson that's been grilled into my head over and over this past year. One of the things I absolutely had to become okay with in Honduras (see En Vasos de Barro) was not being excellent at things the first time I tried them (like teaching or speaking Spanish). It's silly I know, but I have been pretty used to being pretty "capable" in general. Unfortunately, being used to that feeling makes situations where I have no idea what I'm doing very uncomfortable. God truly humbled my heart in Honduras on this issue, but I still have trouble not stressing out when I have to do something that I don't think I can do perfectly (or at least really well). I just have to keep reminding myself: that's why you are here, to learn. And not to learn things you already know, to learn things you don't know and can't do yet. That is so much of what are Christian life is supposed to be like too. Constantly relying on God's ability when we get thrown into situations we can't handle, or get handed people we don't know how to help. It's just all about the diving part. Time to put on the "sink or swim" mentality. But let's be real, God has already promised not to let us sink. But we're still responsible for jumping.
29 August 2011
Entry Eleven
All I have to say today is this:
God is good.
I miss my family and friends back home a bit,
but I'm really excited about finding a church home here soon and getting involved.
And I am COMPLETELY blessed to have the roommates that I do.
All in all, things are going really well, including my first "quiz" today (from 250 pages of notes & 150+ microscope slides) and I'm excited to be training to be a doc.
And yet, I still hope my appetite is growing so that I'm not satisfied by Earthly accomplishments and happiness, but only by the fullness of God Himself :-)
God is good.
I miss my family and friends back home a bit,
but I'm really excited about finding a church home here soon and getting involved.
And I am COMPLETELY blessed to have the roommates that I do.
All in all, things are going really well, including my first "quiz" today (from 250 pages of notes & 150+ microscope slides) and I'm excited to be training to be a doc.
And yet, I still hope my appetite is growing so that I'm not satisfied by Earthly accomplishments and happiness, but only by the fullness of God Himself :-)
23 August 2011
Entry Nine
My biggest fear? Probably, reaching the end of my life and looking back without anything to show for the time I've spent on this lovely, suffering planet. For whatever reason, the past year has impressed upon me the shortness of our time here, which just makes me want to figure out this thing called "life" as fast as I possibly can so no time is wasted. But I am SO good at side-stepping. Good at focusing on the tasks at hand and not on the big picture. Good at not letting myself look too hard at the grand scheme, but live for feeling good at the end of the day.
Here's the real problem: I can distract myself forever with my endeavors in school and medicine without ever coming to terms with the fact there is no point to it all if it isn't glorifying God. I can pursue all the good grades and clinical skills I want, but if the Gospel isn't being spread then I'll still be stuck at the end looking back with nothing to show for my time and efforts. There is only one thing, one accomplishment, one goal that will stand eternally. And it is time to start learning to put more of my stock in it.
Here's the real problem: I can distract myself forever with my endeavors in school and medicine without ever coming to terms with the fact there is no point to it all if it isn't glorifying God. I can pursue all the good grades and clinical skills I want, but if the Gospel isn't being spread then I'll still be stuck at the end looking back with nothing to show for my time and efforts. There is only one thing, one accomplishment, one goal that will stand eternally. And it is time to start learning to put more of my stock in it.
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