Entry Thirty-Eight

Anyone else become profoundly discouraged about their relationship with the Lord on occasion?  It sounds disrespectful and un-reverent to ask such a question, given who the Lord is and how he is the ultimate relationship we have.  But it is an honest question and I need a Lord who will deal with me honestly.  No games, no pretense.

Back to the question.  There have been countless times in my life where discouragement has been the dominating feeling surrounding my relationship with the Lord.  Sometimes it feels like a vicious cycle, a dark place of confusion to which I keep coming back.  In those times, clarity is difficult, but thank the grace of God for the light of truth that shines into even the darkest corners of the world.  If it does that, it is certainly bright enough to cast the shadows from my shallow mind.

And the light has definitely brought some things out recently that have been hiding in shadows.

It's amazing how many times we can hear something said and simply not register that the message applies to US.  In this case, ME.  I have been treating my relationship with the Lord recently like its not a relationship at all, but more of an opportunity for success... or failure.  Either I can manage to read my Bible today or I can't.  Either I can remember to pray for this person or that thing today, or I can't.  Either I've succeeded in being a decent follower of Christ today, or I've failed.  And my attitude about trying again after failure... not good.  That's where I think my more recent discouragement has been coming from.  Repeated failure.  But that's not a relationship at all.  That's just a game.

So starting back at square one... Hi, Jesus.  It's me again.  I failed again at remembering how this dance works.  Oh right!  YOU lead, and I follow.  Okay, let's give it another go.